some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want her autograph on my taint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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