i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
