I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
