Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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