i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?