Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother