i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
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Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo