There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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