For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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