I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
