Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
