This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
