sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
