some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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