just tell him i said nine months
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
