Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
