i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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