If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
