Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
