too bad you live with your parents still
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
