my phone needs a breathalizer
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
