I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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