I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
