just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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