my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
