Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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