tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My pussy is not your playground.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
