I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
