My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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