don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
