My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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