"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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