I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
