I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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