So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
