Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
