i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
