either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
