I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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