thus making me awesome and them whores
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I could make wine with my vomit
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
