my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
