true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
