"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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