Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
