dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
