Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
