My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
from now on my penis is your penis
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's shark week go big or go home
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
