i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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