he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
