Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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