my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
what day is it and did you see me today?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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