Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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