Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
