WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
