grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
