Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
