My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
