Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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