what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
