I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
