That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
