I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
