fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You smell like stripper and shame
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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