i jhust puked up my retainher.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
